Parents:

When it comes to parents of folks in recovery a pattern of blame emerges. Through the years I have heard many versions of how to treat this challenge. Recently I heard a friend share about his dad. He said that he now thinks about his own father’s upbringing. He believes his father gave what he received or more appropriately in his case what he did not receive.

I remember in rehab I began to hear a bunch of terms I had never heard in my life. I began to hear of this emerging phenomenon called “Adult Children of Alcoholics”. I heard men and women share about co-dependency and abuse. It seemed that everyone had a reason for their pain and it all pointed back to mom and dad!

One day during my aftercare group someone shared about being abused by their father. Therefore the topic was set. When it was my turn to share I said, well I was never abused by my parents in my life. A bit of silence set in the group. The counselor said, really? I remember my reply, “no never”. My dad would beat the heck out of me, but only for a damn good reason. Heck if you stole the family car and used it for demolition derby with several of the neighbors parked cars don’t you think you would deserve a good beating?

That was the beginning of my victim stage. That probably lasted a good ten years. I began to believe that I was abused. Now do not get me wrong, my father was an angry guy, and he would let you have it when you got out of line and he vent that anger in a physical manner. However, never to the point of broken bones, scars, etc… My dad said some pretty cruel things to me out of his frustration. But the one thing I knew was that he and my mom loved me.

So what happened after 10 years of subscribing to the victim role? Quite frankly an incident with my dad sparked it off. My dad said something to me that was inappropriate and hurtful. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I would not accept him talking to me that way again. I also let him know I would not speak to him again if he chose to do it again. I took control of my own emotional needs.

That event enabled me to critically challenge my embedded beliefs of abuse. I began to realize that I am not a victim, because victims in life are victimized. I would have none of that. Of course I realize that folks do get abused. However as an adult we all have a choice on what we will do with that trauma. We can accept and continue to attract more of it to our lives or we can move on. We can focus on what we want and what we need in our lives today and the future. No I do not condone any abuse against anyone. No I do not believe minimizing abuse is a viable method of reducing the pain of trauma. I am simply suggesting an approach of empowerment and hope!

I have thought back about who I am and how I have become the person I have become. My parents played a substantial role in that progression. I received strong spiritual beliefs from my mother. She also showed me how to give of yourself and how to work hard at everything you do.

My mom was a seamstress I remember her sewing ballet outfits into the wee hours of the morning for my sisters and the rest of their dance school to help people save money. If you have a daughter in dance school you know the expense of these costumes and the alterations. But my mom would do it even though she would work a job and then come home with little sleep for weeks before these recitals.

My dad earned a terrible wage at his job. But he was always on the go he would cater parties, paint, tend bar, janitor work and volunteer for the fire department. He was always the first guy to come to your aid if you needed help. He is a grouchy old fellow but he would give you the shirt off his back. I learned the value of hard work, persistence, giving, caring and pushing others to be the best they can be.

Punishment is necessary in parenting, but never out of anger or rage. I know that today, my parents did not. That is not abuse simply poor parenting skills. To live in the past hurts you and your recovery. Life is way too good to be stuck in the past. Remember, Life is meant to be enjoyed and not endured…

The Last Resort Panama, Drug and Alcohol Rehab www.Thelastresortpa.com www.facebook.com/thelastresortpa www.myspace.com/thelastresortpa www.myspace.com/tlrpa www.recoveryforum.ning.com

Join Global Awareness Campaign: "The Connection Between Unplanned Pregnancy and Global Warming" and Invite Your Friends to Join Too

This is from my friend and colleague Pett Corby:

Dear Ladies and Gents,

I have no doubt that women are those who are going to sort out our world... with the help of men!

Too many wars left devastation and poverty behind. The last (Iraq war) was about domination over the petrol reserves in the country. We´re scares at this fuel, but clearly cannot keep on fighting over it. It´s time to give our planet a break and start using alternative fuel for all our needs. Fossil fuel is no longer an option. It helped develop our world, but it´s given us Global Warming too.

Not many people put Global Warming next to Unplanned Pregnancy (UP), but there´s a link. The simplest way I can explain it is that there are too many of us consuming much of our planet’s energy resources pretty fast. We have many children because we don´t know how to have less and UP is viewed as inevitable by many young people. This problem belongs to developed and under developed countries: the United States has the highest rate of UP in the developed world after 48 years of using contraceptive drug. UK is no.1 in Europe. India, however, is adding a child every two seconds, the equivalent of one Australia every year, putting China on second place in contribution to global overpopulation.

In Jan´08 I started campaigning against our UK Health Minister´s decision to introduce contraceptive drugs for FREE to under -16 years old, still developing children. www.myspace.com/pettcorby My movement quickly received the support of musicians who are contributing music to the cause. People endorsing my efforts are coming from all walks of life including politicians. I created a band called Virtual Gigs that´ll tour the world, spreading the word for the next 10 years. www.myspace.com/virtualgigs

My mission is to empower women with the ability to successfully avoid UP without drugs thus avoiding both their and abortion´s side effects; helping children stay at school and preventing us from being locked in relationships we don´t really want; ultimately stop contributing to the overwhelming number of global population.

With this I want to invite you to:

* Become part of my Global Awareness Campaign and help me spread the word. Let´s make people aware that it´s easy to avoid UP the natural ways... Looking at today's economy we cannot afford to carry on making children that may start life in poverty. Join me at http://teensparents.ning.com/

* INVITE AT LEST ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS TO JOIN TOO.

I look forward to working with you toward making our world a better place.

Pett Corby,

Author, How to Avoid Unplanned Pregnancy Every Time You Have Sex WITHOUT Using Contraceptive Drugs

Your link again: http://teensparents.ning.com/

Good Kid Gone Bad, or Never Good To Go Bad? Dan Callahan, LMSW

I was born in 1960 into a blue-collar lower income family on Long Island twenty-five miles from New York City. My family had a strong sense of giving to the community. My dad is a volunteer fireman and has been for over fifty years.

Somehow I always seemed to find the trouble. My mom always said I was a good kid, but my dad well that was another story. He would say “good kid? He was never good to go bad!” I guess that was the struggle that I had to fight alone. At the age of 16 I was arrested for shoplifting. This began a string of criminal activity that became the beginning of the end.

In January 1978 a few months prior to my 18th birthday I was arrested for assault. The Vietnam War was fresh in every ones memory and recruitment into the Armed Forces was low. So as a bargaining chip in court I offered to join the Army. Maybe I could restore my status as a good kid!

In reality wherever you go, well there you are. It did not take long when my drinking and drugging picked up where I had left off. In fact I lasted a full 19 months and a couple more arrests before it was suggested I pack it in and head back home. I was unfit for Military service they said!

That was February 1980 by March 1980; armed robbery had become my source of income. I would head out after the dinner rush hour and stick-up fast food establishments. During my second heist, I was apprehended. The idea that I needed to get help with my alcohol and drug challenges began to emerge. In all honesty, something inside of me believed I was good. I wanted help however I was primarily motivated to stay out of jail.

I was arraigned on robbery 2 a class B felony. At the time it carried an 8-1/3 to 25 years prison term. Due to the fact that a handgun was involved the shortest sentence I could receive was a one-year sentence. After all was said and done a plea bargain agreement would have me sentenced to one year in County jail or a State sentence of 1 to 3 years in State prison. The sentence would be determined based upon my pre-sentence probation report.

The chips were down and now it was time to show whether I was a good kid or a bad kid. I was instructed to stay away from the fellows I had been arrested with and I was prohibited from drinking alcohol or using any illegal substances. So as any reasonably minded young man would do, I attended the probation hearing with my friend that had been arrested with me. We each drank an 8-pack of Budweiser minis and held up a seafood establishment with a shotgun on the way to the appointment.

A week before my sentencing hearing I was arrested again for several armed robberies. I figured my dad was right, never good to go bad! Now I sat in jail facing 175 years in prison. To anyone else in these circumstances fear may be an appropriate feeling yet for me it was relief. I was stopped, jail would do for me what I could not do myself.

Fortunately, after all was said and done I received a 7 year and 9 year sentence that would run concurrently. If all went well I could be released in 3 years. I mustered up the courage to embrace the good kid. I started by getting my GED, I began to attend church, I attended the self-help 12-step groups, I received counseling, vocational courses and anything that would help me to become what I knew I was.

Then I was afforded the opportunity to attend evening college courses in the prison. I honestly did not believe that I was smart enough. However, a friend encouraged me to try. Try I did. I started getting “A’s” and enjoying the experience. When it was time for my parole hearing I was released on parole due to my efforts.

In reality it took me 8 years to truly accept that I could no longer drink alcohol like others could. But I did eventually surrender to that fact and began a journey that has lead to a Masters Degree from Fordham University.

My Journey has led me to build an extensive human service background. I have been significantly involved in recovery based human service, alcoholism and substance abuse services, forensic services, case management with individuals recovering from mental health issues and recovery based program development. I played a significant role in the growth and development of Hands Across Long Island, Inc. the largest and most prominent consumer run mental health agency in the United States. I was contracted to co-author a NYS training manual and program for mental health and correctional service professionals working with parolees with “serious and persistent mental illness”.

Through the years I have been fortunate enough to be supervised and mentored professionally by some extremely gifted folks. I was offered flexibility and latitude to attempt methods of engagement and recovery services that were regarded as outside the box of traditional treatment. It has been through that flexibility and experiences that the Last Resort Panama has been created for the facilitation of positive self directed recovery from alcoholism and drug addictions.

The Last Resort Panama, Drug and Alcohol Rehab www.Thelastresortpa.com www.facebook.com/thelastresortpa www.myspace.com/thelastresortpa www.myspace.com/tlrpa